Note: As of this writing, I have not watched Glee in at least six years, maybe more. I think the last episode I watched was that one where they wrote their own songs. Was that six years ago? I have no idea. Also, I have done no research to find out if I'm write about any of these details. Anyway, this is one of several episodes of Glee as I remember them.
INT. SCHOOL - DAY
40-year-old students buzz around the halls of McKinley High School, throwing frozen Coke into each other's faces and mostly just talking about how stupid music is and how dumb people who are interested in music are.
Into the front doors of the school strides Mister Shoe, a 32-year-old man with the raw sexuality of the middle manager at a chemical plant. He tosses his aviators aside and adjusts his tie.
MISTER SHOE: Time to teach these kids how to DANCE.
He grabs the arm of Cory Monteith, a super-built bad boy with a heart of gold.
MISTER SHOE: I heard you singing in the shower.
CORY: What?
MISTER SHOE: I slipped into that wet, wet locker room with my ear's a-whistling with the soft music of your horny warbles.
CORY: What?
MISTER SHOE: Your voice could change the lives of millions. I want you to be the first member of my Glee club.
CORY: What?
MISTER SHOE: You will be the heartthrob who sticks around way after you graduate. You will alternate between being cartoonishly stupid and surprisingly mature for his age. I am definitely not grooming you.
CORY: Can I go? I have football to play.
MISTER SHOE: Why play football when you could play with the balls of millions in my club full of sexy triple threats?
CORY: Okay.
Mister Shoe smiles. It is a terrifying smile, the kind you see on the face of Death right before he claims your skeleton for his army of despair. Shoe's eyes glow slightly.
MISTER SHOE: Welcome.
INT. SUE SYLVESTER'S OFFICE
Sue Sylvester, a woman you recognize from the Christopher Guest films, sits at her desk, taking selfies with a stick or probably doing TikToks I dunno, this person was always doing whatever trendy stuff was going on in the zeitgeist at the moment. She glares at Becky, who is neurodivergent.
SUE: You have [REDACTED]
BECKY: Wow, that's offensive.
SUE: Make a joke about it. If you make a joke about it, it's not offensive anymore.
BECKY: I have [REDACTED]
SUE: Now that's "lit." Let's figure out a way to crush the Glee club once and for all.
BECKY: We should talk to the board and have them allocate some of the funding that's currently going to the Glee club to other departments, like the theater department or maybe the Special Education department.
SUE: Okay. Also, I think I'll trick two 16-year-olds into fucking or some shit.
BECKY: Okay.
INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
Principal Phil, the principal, sits at his desk. He looks at Mister Shoe and Sue Sylvester, who sit in easy chairs across from him. The office is spacious and filled with piles of money.
PRINCIPAL: It's been brought to my attention that 90% of McKinley High's budget is currently going towards Mister Shoe's Glee Club.
SUE: Yes. It is my opinion that this is too high of a percentage.
MISTER SHOE: Don't you see my DREAM, you asshats? I...the KIDS need that funding for the pyrotechnic display that goes off when they're doing the Humpty Dance right after the anti-drunk driving assembly.
PRINCIPAL: I have to say, Sue, Mister Shoe makes a good point.
SUE: If you don't call the board together to reassess the annual budget, I'll have my cheerleaders do a Purge. The Purge, just came out, right? I can reference that. Yes, they'll do a Purge.
PRINCIPAL: It just sounds like you're going to make them throw up.
Sue gives a wry smirk.
SUE: No, I already do that. Har har har, I'm abusive.
MISTER SHOE: I'm a predator.
PRINCIPAL: What?
SUE: Nothing.
MISTER SHOE: Nothing.
INT. GLEE CLUB REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY
The members of the Glee club assemble. The members are Rachel, Cory, [NAME REDACTED], Chris Colfer, Dianne the likable, Britney the likable, Santana not-the-guitarist, Gary, Herman, Joffrey, Pervin' Mervin, Little Bartholomew, Bethany, John Wilkes Booth, Lurky Durky, Glug the Coal Miner, Power Man, Action Harrison, Jesse, Greens, Doctor Mitch, Logan, Hansel, Ventriloquist, Blig Blag, Drew, Paul, Glynnis, Amber, Tracks, Bingo, Tup-tup, Banshee, Tilda, Somnambulist, Derek, Jeeks, Plimple, Dog, Harmony, Teat Soup, Boromir, Gandalf, Seltzer, Dead Poodle, Chord Overstreet, Ham, Blossom, D'Artagnan, Eddie, Whistle, Crewneck, Star Trek, Jem, Kyle, Ashley, Hogan, Blood, Cabby, and Buck.
Mister Shoe paces at the front of the room, gesturing with one hand. The other hand rests sensually on his hip, the arm attached crooked at such an angle that best shows off his toned biceps. His polo shirt strains against the sheer power of his pectorals. He looks to the Glee club and wiggles his butt a little. They all applaud. He silences them with a cutting hand signal. He puts his leg up on the piano. He stares at the empty piano stool. He stares long and hard. He whispers a soft incantation.
MISTER SHOE: H'emloth mar'duk pard'niexl'ok.
A cloud of purple smoke swirls around the piano stool. The Glee club screams in terror. Blood rains from the ceiling. Into existence swirls The Piano Daemon, a walrus-moustached, middle-aged man with no life behind his eyes. He sits at the keyboard, awaiting instruction.
The smoke and blood clear, as though a nightmare has just passed. The Piano Daemon remains, his idiot visage staring lifelessly at his master, Mister Shoe. Mister Shoe crooks a finger towards the Piano Daemon.
MISTER SHOE: Gold Digger.
The Piano Daemon unfolds his fingers from his crooked hands. He places his fingers on the keyboard. Nothing happens for a breathless second. And then, ringing out like the trumpets on the last day, the keyboard sings the backing track for Kanye West's 2008 hit single "Gold Digger." Mister Shoe turns to the Glee Club. They meet his gaze. With a sudden, violent motion, he kicks with one leg. He kicks with the other leg. He then somehow kicks with both legs. The onlookers are stunned, hypnotized even. His arms enter the dance. They swing side to side while his feet take on a life of their own. The violent gestures cohere into a hip-hop tap dance the likes of which Broadway has not seen since Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk.
And of course, Mister Shoe starts rapping the entirety of "Gold Digger," expletives and racial slurs included. The entire Glee club gets to their feet and joins in the dance. They are entranced by the power of the 32-year-old man who funks before them. Most of them try to grab his junk. He allows it.
As the last strains of "Gold Digger" draw to a close, the 40-year-old children of the Glee club collapse back into their seats, laughing, but Mister Shoe is still dancing. His feet are light and nimble. He never sleeps. He says that he will never die. He dances in light and in shadow and he is a great favorite. He never sleeps. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.
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