Note: As of this writing, I have not watched Glee in at least six years, maybe more. I think the last episode I watched was that one where they wrote their own songs. Was that six years ago? I have no idea. Also, I have done no research to find out if I'm write about any of these details. Anyway, this is one of several episodes of Glee as I remember them.
Here's what you missed on Glee, As I Remember It
Glee - Episode 1.02: "Helter Skelter!"
INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
We see Rachel Berry -- 43, high school student, Spring Awakening? Not very tall -- step on a brightly lit stage. Seated in the auditorium -- directly below her -- is Cory Monteith, the hunk of builds we met in the last episode.
RACHEL: I'm not saying I want to put splinters directly under the fingernails of all who oppose me on my quest for stardom, I'm just saying I would like to take some dentistry tools and really torture their cuticles.
CORY: What?
RACHEL: I mean, being famous is the only real reason to have talent, and having natural talent is the only thing that gives you value as a person, so therefore all who are not famous or even talented are worth stepping on as I journey towards my dream of being a Broadway performer living paycheck to paycheck.
CORY: How did I get here?
RACHEL: All that matters is the great Shoe, the King of Shoes, whose recognition of my talent makes him a messiah for the oppressed, the oppressed being me.
CORY: What?
RACHEL: And now, I'm not going to outright say that non-white people aren't talented...
CORY: Huh?
RACHEL: We should hook up.
CORY: What?
RACHEL: How dare you! I thought you were my friend!
CORY: What?
Mister Shoe, his curly locks nestled like a golden brain upon his head, descends from the dark recesses of the auditorium, floating with arms outstretched. He watches his two disciples as they glorify his god: musical performance.
MISTER SHOE: Rachel. Cory. It is time.
RACHEL: Time for what, Mister Shoe?
MISTER SHOE: It is time...
He snaps his fingers.
MISTER SHOE: To SING.
The lights blaze brightly in the auditorium. From the ceiling, all 528 members of the Glee club descend to the stage. They are all wearing identical blazers, except the more attractive women, who are wearing lingerie.
CORY: What?
The Glee club assembles, and in perfect synchronicity, they bob from side to side, asymmetrical smiles plastered on their young faces.
MISTER SHOE: SING, my children of the night!
The Glee club, as one being, opens its collective mouth.
GLEE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
CORY: Um...
Rachel opens her mouth and takes center stage, blasting out music in her perfect robo-soprano.
RACHEL: A little bit of Monica in my life/A little bit of Erica by my side/A little bit of Rita is all I need/A little bit of Tina is what I see
CORY: I...I...
Mister Shoe watches his minions dance before him, cradling his own balls through his tight khaki pants. A single bead of sweat forms on his angular temple.
MISTER SHOE: Men are born for Glee. Nothing else.
INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
Principal Phil sits behind his desk, which is an exact replica of the desk in the Oval Office. Across from him sits Mister Shoe -- who leans intensely forward in his chair -- Sue Sylvester -- who sits back passively, smirking with one side of her face and frowning with the other -- and Coach Bieste -- an androgynous, larger woman, something we have to point out here because every episode of Glee will point it out at least twelve times for the rest of time.
Sue looks over at Coach Bieste.
SUE: Get a load of this [REDACTED]
BIESTE: That's not very...
Mister Shoe, eager at the opportunity to demonstrate his value as an educator, leaps across the room, landing directly beside Coach Bieste. He unfurls his skinny lips and plants them directly on Coach Bieste's face. He removes his plumpers with a loud *SMACK* and looks deep into Bieste's eyes.
MISTER SHOE: Now, you have been kissed.
BIESTE: That's harass...
Principal Phil pipes up.
PHIL: I hate to say it, Sue, but Mister Shoe has a point.
BIESTE: A point about what...?
MISTER SHOE: Fuck yeah.
PHIL: And as such, though it is quite unusual, I will allow the Glee club to storm the field at the next football game and slam their pelvises into the opposing players' buttocks until blood covers the grass.
BIESTE: Did...did somebody say that should happen? Has there been a telepathic conversation while I...
Sue sneers.
SUE: You won this round, Will, but trust me, when I finally get two teenagers to fuck or something, Glee club will be finished, and my cheerleaders will rule the school.
MISTER SHOE: Pah! Your cheerleaders do nothing but grind and leap and pervert the Great Dance. On the day of The Regionals, your filthy heathens shall gaze upon the great Glee and despair.
BIESTE: Um, I wanted to bring up that our Special Olympics team needs a bus for Thursday...
PHIL: I hate to say it, Sue, but Mister Shoe has a point.
BIESTE: I'm...scared...
MISTER SHOE: See, Sue? Principal Phil says I have a point.
SUE: You've got a point, all right. A pointy little wiener.
BIESTE: There is, like, so much harassment going on in here...
PHIL: Enough! Very well, Mister Shoe. Your Glee club will be given another ten thousand dollars to ruin as many things as it possibly can.
Mister Shoe grins, and turns his eyes toward Sue. His eyes glow faintly, just for a moment.
MISTER SHOE: Chaos reigns.
INT. SOME FUCKING ROOM - DAY
Dianne and Cory are in some fucking room somewhere. Dianne looks sadly into Cory's eyes.
DIANNE: I'm pregnant.
CORY: What?
DIANNE: It's yours.
CORY: What?
DIANNE: Because of magic.
CORY: Okay.
DIANNE: I don't want a baby.
CORY: Um, cool.
DIANNE: But we're going to have to have it.
CORY: I...what?
DIANNE: The owls are telling me I must.
CORY: What?
DIANNE: The moon will be consuming us all.
CORY: Where...where are we?
DIANNE: Oh Cory, don't you know? We're in some fucking room.
CORY: Wait...
DIANNE: ?em kcuf ot tnaw uoy t'noD
CORY: I...the pain...the pain in my head...
DIANNE: .uoy kcuf ot tnaw I esuaceB
CORY: Ahhh AHHHHHHHHHHH
Enter [REDACTED]
[REDACTED]: Yo, what's up, you two?
[REDACTED] sees Cory clutching his head, trying to scream but only emitting a soft hum. [REDACTED] looks at Dianne.
From a cloud of smoke, the Piano Daemon appears. Its fingers unfurl and it plays a beautiful melody.
[REDACTED]: (singing) I've seen fire and I've seen rain/I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end...
CORY: (screaming, quietly, in autotune) Pleeeeeease no mooooooooooore
[REDACTED]: (singing) I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend...
CLOSE ON DIANNE
Dianne's grin has grown too big for her face.
DIANNE: .Glee eht rof ynlo evil I
CLOSE ON CORY
Blood is running from CORY's eyes.
CORY: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...
CLOSE ON [REDACTED]
[REDACTED] is singing calmly. A breeze from nowhere flutters through his mohawk.
[REDACTED]: (singing) but I always thought that I'd see you...again.
The camera pulls back to reveal that [REDACTED] is alone in a bare classroom, a single empty chair in front of him. The sound of static slowly fills the space.
INT. THEATER - NIGHT
We abrubtly cut to Mister Shoe, who sits alone in a private box in the theater. He stares down at the stage, his face caked in makeup, a burning cigarette in his hand.
MISTER SHOE: Glee.
Cut to black.
Roll credits, with "Doo doo doo doo" playing in the background.
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